I forgot to post yesterday. I feel too fed up today to do anything serious. I am questioning the wisdom of blogging at all, since I have lots of fabulous ideas but zero discipline. Or maybe it’s the prospect of finally getting laid for once – all of my energy is running that particular track at the moment.
Ok, and can I just take a minute to say how fucking ridiculous human communication is? Especially with cell phones. Although I imagine it was bullshit before that invention too… Still! See, I could be very strict about my communication stuff, and say “hey, if someone can’t come out and say in words what they want, then I don’t want to deal with that, because it’s 12 dimensional chess and it’s irritating.” But I’ll be attracted to people raised in our culture, where you’re supposed to mask what you’re feeling with other kinds of words and not ask for what you want because it’s not polite. And just…every communication from this person seems to exist in 12 dimensions at once, I really could not have believed this possible before meeting hir. Some of it is SO green light (respectful of consent, says zie is interested and thinks I’m cute, and wants to come over and make out and whatever), and some of it is SO red light (never initiates, waits for me to lead to a point that turns me off, when I mentioned an interaction we’d had earlier in the week was kind of awkward and weird zie apologized for making me uncomfortable – it’s not your fault things are awkward, human, except in that I can’t read your mind and you are not handing me enough clues!) and argh, I am just running afoul of being a human in the world, essentially.
I’m sure someday I’ll have a Thing with someone that happens naturally and easily and it’ll be awesome, or terrible, or both. But for now I have had lots of Things with people that are like wrangling octopuses and I really, really, don’t understand how anyone is supposed to figure this shit out, because WHAT?
I mean, what do you make of a human who will give you a biting-bruise on the back of your neck but won’t kiss you? Who responds to everything you do in the positive but won’t intiate hanging out/making out?
And the big worry: so far, zie has expressed no desires of hir own, and not only do I think that is terribly unhealthy, but I also am turned on by people who want things and push to get them (within reason), so I’m going, by turns, “YAY” and “meh.” I’m enjoying this chance to discover how much I like to push and be dominant and bossy and demanding, but I think I have found the outer edge and I don’t know if this is going to work out. Bleh. Life. You are definitely 12 dimensional chess, even if we only know what four of those dimensions are, currently…