I’ve had one of those weeks. You know, the ones where you start out every single day feeling pumped and awesome, despite the adversity of the previous day? On Monday, the company who had employed me for just two full days told the temp agency they’d prefer someone else.
“NEVER MIND.” I thought. “I am awesome! I will just persevere, and conquer the world, one difficult thing at a time. And that company will be sad they got rid of me, even though I will barely remember them and not care!” And I did, every morning and every night, set out to be objectively and fool-proofedly awesome. Despite some hiccups, like not waking up until noon, I managed to make some kind of super-energetic and robust start on my Being Awesome Agenda each day…only gradually, planning to be awesome and even thinking about being awesome began to cause me to slowly wilt. Filling out job and volunteer applications would get increasingly sidetracked into Looking At Things On the Internet, until I desperately tried to regain the Awesome Energy by shaming myself. “Woohoo, look at Ms. Educated, can’t even finish a book, even though it’s been a week! Can’t fill out this application? I bet you can’t paint-by-numbers either!” I’m sure most people are familiar with this asshole who lives in our brains. If you are, you know this does not help. What it does do is wither your energy so far you end up sitting on floor, slumped over the coffee table in the dark, drinking orange juice straight from the bottle even that Asshole in Your Brain made you pour some into a cup to be “adult” and shit, typing with three fingers on each hand and listening Metallica’s Nothing Else Matters…It can’t just be me.
I’ve been trying to be diligent about getting out of the house, applying for jobs, chasing volunteer positions, spending time with friends, doing self-care, reading, writing blog posts, and building a writing portfolio (or at least writing samples to send in with applications that ask for them), but really, I always end up here on the floor. At least the orange juice is good.
All of this is my very long-winded way of saying: posting has always been erratic and will likely continue to be so, by reason of my depression. I have about 10 posts that are partially or half written and have been abandoned, which is to say that I have been writing, and it’s just not making it to the front page. I am writing this post part as confession of guilty feelings generated mainly by that Asshole in My Brain, and part as a commitment: I would like to post SOMETHING, even if it’s just a funny picture or a lolcat or a set of links to another blog, every week on Wednesday at 9pm, Pacific time zone (and also partially because I’ve been reading too much Hyperbole and a Half and it has infected my brain). We’ll see how that goes. In the meantime, I’m going to obsessively refresh Cakewrecks to see if new entries appear. Octopus Out!